drip. drip. drip. drip. drip.

when i was little, my grandpa and grandma on my mom's side owned a little trailer that was on a pond.  we called it a lake... but it was a pond.  the trailer had a gigantic porch and a fire pit up the hill and a dining room table that i turned into a fort and slept under almost every time i was there. 

there was this feeling that the mornings gave me when i was there. the smell of sap filled my entire nose, and it was always cold in the morning. the good kind of cold. then on morning after it had rained, i liked listening to the drip from the gutter against the plastic siding of the trailer.  we had an early bird, and i liked to look at the clock first thing when he woke me up.  he's awake at 4:32 this morning. 3:56. 4:04. 2:44.  i didn't mind like every one else that he was awake.

i never felt rushed when i was there.  besides the morning wake up call from the early bird, i never looked at the clock.  lunch came when we were hungry, grandpa and uncle doug would fish forever, mom would go on thousands of walks, grandma would get stuck in the fold out couch, cara and i would find a toad under the deck, grandpa would cook his fish.. they were always blue gill, and we would sit around the fire pit to watch that evening's wood burn down. 

it was just... easy to be there.   

and this morning reminds me of it.  i'm enjoying it.

about me:

i am the sort of person you can get to know over a facebook profile.  

i used to call it, "uncomplicated," but now 

i call it, "transparent."  

i have trouble keeping friends, and 

i don't know why. it is easy to stop caring about some one after awhile. it is not that 

i'm not loyal.  

i'm actually one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. it is just that 

i can't handle distance. once you start stepping back from me, 

i am unable to bring you back. it is like my heart has really short arms. 

i consider this a major personality flaw. you should know about it if you are going to be friends with me. it is one of those things that 

i try to hide from people... 

i guess putting it up on my blog makes it not so hidden.  

i am way too emotional for my own good.  

i allow little things to bother me, and 

i am truely working on this, but you should not invest yourself in me if you would like me to not be this way. call me in thirty years.  

i might have it sorted out by then.

i pretend all of the time. 

i pretend to listen, but 

i am not a good listener.  

i pretend that 

i have my head on straight, but 

i don't.  

i pretend that 

i like to read a lot, but the truth is,  

i would rather sit on my butt all day long watching grey's anatomy. 

i pretend to talk about God, but lately 

i have only been able to talk about him in a theoretical sense. no one has really noticed this change though...  

i don't feel him anymore.  

i am beginning to feel like 

i just have been making him up. maybe 

i have only ever talked about him in a theoretical sense. maybe 

i've always been faking it. the mind is very powerful.  

i'm sure that 

i would be able to convince myself of almost anything if 

i really wanted it to be true.

i am angry all the time.  

i am most angry at my family. not because they deserve it. they are good people.  

i just don't feel apart of them... or anyone...  

i know that it is me that is driving every one away, but 

i didn't think it would be this easy to drive my family away.  

i know in my head that they are always there for me.  

i'm glad they are there... but 

i don't feel like any one is... here. and even though it is my own fault.... my own illusion that 

i have convinced myself to believe... 

i still feel angry toward them.

i loved kevin. despite every one's warnings against him, 

i still saw him as some one who was worth being invested in. he was.  

i was not.

i am a coward.  

i am sorry to every one that 

i have hurt by writing this in a blog instead of saying it to your face.  

i know that you are going to forgive me for hurting you, and worry about me. please understand that 

i am not doing this to be dramatic... maybe 

i am.... but 

i am mostly doing this because 

i cannot bring myself to be honest about these things.  

i won't become a better person until 

i can be honest with the people that 

i love. 

i think this has to be the first step... it is terrible that 

i am only capable of doing in a blog... but it is what 

i have to offer you at this point.

dog shoes

there is a squirrel living in the tree in my backyard that wants milo to die. every time my dog leaves the safety of my house to... umm... do his thing... every step he takes is closely followed by a falling acorn from above. milo has a barking problem.. especially when it comes to squirrels... but seriously... this little rodent hates my dog.

last night, i brought milo in from the backyard, and he was walking really strangely.. his right front paw was bothering him, but he wasn't limping on it like it hurt... he was just... very interesting in his own paw. he stretched it out and laid it flat on the ground. then he attempted to sniff it... but his leg is too long, so it turned into a funny little dance full of bowing and rolling.

mama jenna to the rescue. i picked him up to look at his paw, but couldn't figure what his problem was... then i looked at the bottom of his foot. wrapped perfectly around one of the pads on his paw was a broken acorn. it took a lot of prying to get to to come off. it was seriously the perfect fit. a shoe salesman would have been proud.

stupid squirrel.

back home again in nq 208

you would think that the sociology department thought that there was only one class room on ball state's campus.  i am certain that 90% of my sociology classes over the past few years have all been in north quadrangle, room 208.  i don't even look to see where my classes are anymore... i just assume that if the class title starts with "soc" then it is in that room.  

what i love even more about this room is that, every one always sits in the same place. i have gotten to the point that i am recognizing at least half of the people in my classes. sarah fields always sits in the far corner or the front row, jason leist is usually late, but finds a way to the very middle of the class room. kenny sits in the back corner, adam minich sits a few rows in from the door near the back, as do i, the socially awkward kid named matthew sits in the front row near the door...  i could continue... but it is becoming monotonous.

i think the new freshman are amazing. a girl stopped me in the hallway and asked, "what building am i in?"  i wanted to hug her.  i am certain that i looked the same way when i was a freshman.  that look of pure and utter fear, feeling completely overwhelmed by surrounding, not to mention the amount of people that are passing by.... nope. never mind.  i still appear that way...

kevin is back in school.  he took a year off, and i'm sure that a lot of people didn't believe him when he said things like, "i'm going back in the fall."  but, rest assured, he is back in school as we speak.  i am very proud of him.

my landlord fixed my house.  i have no idea what is going to happen to the wall, but it has not gotten worse... in fact... i think that the water stain is disappearing.  tomorrow a guy is coming to fix the air conditioner and my landlord is going to clean the basement floor, and then we will be golden.  

i am forty-five minutes away from starting my first job. i wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow, but some one needed a shift covered, and i picked it up.  i'll be at the computer lab until one in the morning, but i've got a book and an entire room full of computers to keep me occupied.  

katie has senioritis.  i kind of forgot that that happens to you in college, too.  i am glad that i am still enjoying college, though... i do believe that i was ready to graduate from high school when i was a sophomore, so i think i am doing much better.  in class today, all of my professors asked those stupid questions like, "what do you plan on doing with your major?" my future career plans are kind of dull, so it isn't even fun to talk about with people. i mean... don't get me wrong. i'm going to love my job, but no one else really cares about human resources, so its much more interesting to just be in college.

i aspire to go star gazing at some point this week.  i'm keeping my eyes peeled for a clear night.  if any one reading this wants to go, talk to me.  i need star gazing buddies.

school's in... nearly.

i have internet at my house now. it is such a luxury to sit on my couch and blog. paying for it will be interesting, but i'll manage. 

i got a job at the computer labs on campus. all of my shifts are in one lab, and its the testing lab. the instructors and professors who are too lazy to grade their own exams post them up on a special website, and to take these tests, students have to come to my lab and sign in, and take it while i'm looking over their shoulder.  my job will consist of signing people in and out, walking around the room every once in awhile to spot the cheaters, cleaning the computers once a week, and doing my homework in the meantime.  i've been told that it is the easiest, most laid-back job on campus... which is why i pursued it. i'm pretty excited about it.

i kind of had forgotten what muncie was like with students in it. the freshman started moving in this past wednesday, and the entire campus was buzzing. i'll be glad to get back into classes, and see familiar faces and all, but i really likes the quiet nights i spent on campus this summer.  

the freshman are all adorable and all skinny... my roommate attributes that to the freshman fifteen weight gain that has yet to come.  i like listening to their conversations with their parents.  "where do i go to get a parking pass?" "oh i'm sure you can go to your dorm and ask for one. they seem to have plenty of parking in front of your building." it's cute, really. i remember feeling so out of place when i first arrived two years ago.  my first night in my dorm room was so intimidating. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, so i just sat in my room and watch forrest gump. since then, the movie has become a sort-of safety blanket for me. anyway... poor freshmen... i just want to hold their hands and tell them that they'll get through it.  

i've really enjoyed this last week, though.  i went to the heorot and mo's with kevin and his roommate joe a few times already.  those boys are fun.  joe and i were sitting in corners making fun of the people dancing with glow sticks, and kevin hardly likes the taste of any alcohol, so drinking with him is fun, purely because of the faces he makes when he does drink. plus i have yet to buy a drink for myself. i'm glad kevin makes good tips at work... 

maybe i could get away with setting out a tip jar in the computer lab...

oh just a few more minutes, sweetie.

i was never ever one of those kids who disliked going to the dentist.  my dentist is really nice, and there was always a disney movie playing, and every one had really fun scrubs with things like strawberry shortcake or my little ponies on them.  plus i always got a prize and a sticker every time for being such a good little patient.

i still go to the same dentist... i am twenty one years old and still go to the same dentist... except now, instead of little mermaid playing, its finding nemo followed by an interview by the jonas brothers... and instead of a sticker and a prize, i get hit on by sixteen year old boys who are there to get their braces colors changed... 

besides all of the awful social awkwardness, i also had to get two cavities filled.  laying back for an hour and a half with my mouth wide open feeling the drill despite two rounds of novocain isn't exactly what i call a thrill.  in the end, they told me that my tooth is too sensitive to work on, and i have to go back in a month. i growled at them all at an inaudible volume... 

anyway... i think i should find a new dentist.. one that doesn't mind giving out stickers to twenty-one year olds.

good and bad thangs

i finished summer school two weeks ago... real school doesn't start until august twenty-fifth.  awesome, right? i am in the process of finding a job on campus, but no one is listing jobs yet... i have nothing to do.  i'm going through netflix movies like there is no tomorrow.  and i never thought i would ever get tired of arrested development... but i may at this rate.  poor milo has been spoiled because i'm with him all day long. i don't know how is is going to handle being left alone again for parts of the day when i start school.  i'm reading three books right now, which sounds like a lot but actually, i'm just unable to focus on any of them so its going to take me a long time to finish them.

so you know how when we are all bogged down with homework, and we keep on saying that we would all love to just write a top forty song, and live on the royalties for the rest of our lives... well... let me tell you something... you may just be bored out of your mind... put that on the con list of that particular career move.