about me:

i am the sort of person you can get to know over a facebook profile.  

i used to call it, "uncomplicated," but now 

i call it, "transparent."  

i have trouble keeping friends, and 

i don't know why. it is easy to stop caring about some one after awhile. it is not that 

i'm not loyal.  

i'm actually one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. it is just that 

i can't handle distance. once you start stepping back from me, 

i am unable to bring you back. it is like my heart has really short arms. 

i consider this a major personality flaw. you should know about it if you are going to be friends with me. it is one of those things that 

i try to hide from people... 

i guess putting it up on my blog makes it not so hidden.  

i am way too emotional for my own good.  

i allow little things to bother me, and 

i am truely working on this, but you should not invest yourself in me if you would like me to not be this way. call me in thirty years.  

i might have it sorted out by then.

i pretend all of the time. 

i pretend to listen, but 

i am not a good listener.  

i pretend that 

i have my head on straight, but 

i don't.  

i pretend that 

i like to read a lot, but the truth is,  

i would rather sit on my butt all day long watching grey's anatomy. 

i pretend to talk about God, but lately 

i have only been able to talk about him in a theoretical sense. no one has really noticed this change though...  

i don't feel him anymore.  

i am beginning to feel like 

i just have been making him up. maybe 

i have only ever talked about him in a theoretical sense. maybe 

i've always been faking it. the mind is very powerful.  

i'm sure that 

i would be able to convince myself of almost anything if 

i really wanted it to be true.

i am angry all the time.  

i am most angry at my family. not because they deserve it. they are good people.  

i just don't feel apart of them... or anyone...  

i know that it is me that is driving every one away, but 

i didn't think it would be this easy to drive my family away.  

i know in my head that they are always there for me.  

i'm glad they are there... but 

i don't feel like any one is... here. and even though it is my own fault.... my own illusion that 

i have convinced myself to believe... 

i still feel angry toward them.

i loved kevin. despite every one's warnings against him, 

i still saw him as some one who was worth being invested in. he was.  

i was not.

i am a coward.  

i am sorry to every one that 

i have hurt by writing this in a blog instead of saying it to your face.  

i know that you are going to forgive me for hurting you, and worry about me. please understand that 

i am not doing this to be dramatic... maybe 

i am.... but 

i am mostly doing this because 

i cannot bring myself to be honest about these things.  

i won't become a better person until 

i can be honest with the people that 

i love. 

i think this has to be the first step... it is terrible that 

i am only capable of doing in a blog... but it is what 

i have to offer you at this point.