purging

Kevin and I just made it back to Muncie.  It is nice to be home, but it was lovely to be able to spend lots of time with both of our families.  

Today I am cleaning out my house.  I know that are at least five condiment containers that have exceeded their expiration date, hundreds of pieces of paper with information on them that I no longer need or want, drawers and closets that need to be reorganized, and old clothes that wish to be donated to Goodwill.  Things tend to accumulate over the semester, and I finally have the time to attend to the disaster area.  My goal is to be done before January 1st, so that I can start off the new year clean and tidy.

Kevin wants to sell some things on Craig's List as well.  I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better if we just waited and tried having a yard sale in the spring, but I don't see how trying to get rid of a few things before then could hurt.

Really I'm just writing this blog to avoid the disaster of a closet that I have.  A few months ago Moses knocked all of my hanging clothes, and most of the items on the shelves off while trying to get up to the top shelf were I kept excess cat food.  Today is the day that I finally clean it up. Ugh.

the best things.

-sam (my not quite two-year-old nephew) has a tradition of giving every one kisses before he goes to bed.  i guess while he has been living out in kansas, his kisses have been a little bit more selective, so i didn't expect him to be quite so willing to give them out to kevin.  during his rounds to every one before bed last night, he came up to me to give me a kiss, taking his pacifier out of his mouth because he knew that i would not accept such a barrier to our bed time kiss. them i said, "go give kevin a kiss!" and he ran right over to him and planted a big wet one on his cheek.  it was so wonderful.

-we are out of bedrooms at my parents house, so i had to sleep on the couch last night.  milo slept in kevin's room with him, but we figured moses could be trusted to roam the house last night.  even though she could have gone anywhere and done anything, she still chose to cuddle up with me on the tiny little couch and sleep.  i think she must like me or something.

-my brother-in-law kory, kevin, and i played scrabble last night.  at one point, i only had to use one letter (the letter "a") and it gave me forty-two points on the board. i still lost the game.

-sleeping on the couch has it's benefits.  although i was woken up by my mom quite early, she was cooking, and my nose was filled with delicious smells immediately.  

-kevin has a stocking over my family's fire place now. it was the first thing i noticed when i waked in the door, and it was lovely. 

here you go, ellen.

bah. this is not going to be a happy post. this week was finals week. i was finished with tests by wednesday morning, and finished with everything by wednesday night. i thought i had a pretty easy finals week. but today has absolutely kicked my butt, and it isn't even 11:00.

i am working in four different computer labs today. since i won't be able to work next week, i picked up a lot of hours to make up for the hours i will lose. this morning i was at the business building lab from 8am-10am. walking to the lab was awful. it was raining ice, and it was too dark to see puddles that i needed to avoid.

i had another shift at 10:00 across campus, and i was really hoping that whoever was going to take over for me would come early. he didn't. so i basically had to run as fast as i could to the other lab. i got there a few minues late, which was not that big of a deal.

almost immediately after i sat down though my boss called the lab saying, "the person that was supposed to cover the shift at northquad never showed up. jenna you need to go and cover for that person there." oy. i have an hour break at noon (hopefully) and then i'll be working from 1-6pm.

tonight i am making kevin cook dinner. and i might just finish off the three beers i have in my fridge.

read some happy stuff here:
-i think i'm going to make the dean's list this semester. both kevin and my father may be the only two people that care about this, but i think at least they are excited.
-i read franny and zooey all the way through yesterday. today i am reading nine stories. it has been so nice.
-milo learned a new trick. i'm not going to tell you what it is because we want to impress our family members with it over break and i don't want to ruin the surprise. but just trust me on this one- he is such a cute dog when he does it.
-i think i'm going to go visit my fiance and eat delicious chinese food on my break today. he'll probably be really busy at work, but i'll be happy to just see his face and stuff mine with lo mein.
-i got paid.
-someday i am going to work up the courage to bake these cookies.

nothing all that new.

it is getting close to the end of the semester. which means I no longer can procrastinate. sigh.

i miss my sister.  it was weird not seeing her over thanksgiving.

i miss ellen.  she's coming over to cook with me tonight.  we are making 44 clove garlic soup and oatmeal coconut cookies. we didn't get to cook together last week because of the holiday.

i cut my hair a little.  the scissors are a temptation every time i look at them. i just could resist.

my conflict and communications professor told me that i was very good at handling conflict today in my final.  and not in the, "must pay every one a generic compliment" kind of way. she gave us a conflict scenario between two people, and we had to pick a partner, and work through the conflict. i think she was genuinely pleased with how i handled myself.  it made me feel really good.  i guess i might be picking a good career for myself.

i found christmas ornaments at meijer that are the exact colors that i picked for the wedding.  i begged kevin to let me get them. it was fun to pick all of them out and look at them next to each other.  we didn't buy them, but i'm still tempted. 

we made a really delicious curry sauce yesterday for dinner.  1 cup of water, 1 tablespoon of curry powder, 1 teaspoon of cayenne, 2 tablespoons of sugar, and a dash of salt.  heat that all up, then add some corn starch to thicken it.  we poured it over rice.  it was sweet, and the spicy. we have an excess of curry powder, so we'll probably make it a lot in the coming days.

i'm dreaming of a white thanksgiving

everyone looks positively alaskan today.

discoveries: 

i need to train moses or milo to sit on my feet for me.

vw golfs and icy roads do not love each other.

oh, and this lovely bit of in formation: muncie indiana has no money.

i'm actually really enjoying the snow covered scenery.  it is happening a little earlier than normal, but i don't mind.  it is the holiday season after all.  i'm hoping that mother nature gets it all out of her system right around christmas time and decides to give us an early spring... in january.

socially awkward... and not the good kind, either.

i depended on a vending machine dinner, once again this sunday evening. i have a shift at the computer lab from six until midnight every week. it is horrible.

but anyway- tonight i was really enjoying my cheddar and sour cream ruffles a lot. so much so, that i had a huge urge to rip open the empty bag and lick the inside clean... there was so much flavor to be had! alas... i am working.. in a public lab... in a very visible point of the room. i am just not brave enough to be that embarrassing tonight... so as i type this with one hand, i am slowly and sadly dropping the bag into the trash with my other hand. goodbye deliciousness.

also, i was taking a sip of my hot chocolate, and i missed my mouth, pouring it all down my chin... the best part was that i did it right as some one was walking into the lab looking right at me. all i could do was giggle and apologize. ugh. i don't think he really minded too much, but still. i would prefer to appear like i'm kind of cool or something.

i am kind of a really big nerd, i think.






crap... i just realized that i could have easily folded the chip bag up and saved it for later. ugh.

the dress

my mom and i are discussing the possibility of making my wedding dress.  i have looked at pictures of a lot of dresses, and i just can't really seem to find one that either hasn't been worn by a friend (shel, your dress was amazing... bah), or has the style i am looking for. the idea of going to a bridal store and trying on dozens of dresses makes me cringe.  i am very against the idea of taking part in stressing over planning  everything, and i want to be able to look back on the day and have a lot of good memories tucked into it... not reminders of all of the hectic dress fittings and negotiations with vendors.  so when it comes to finding the perfect dress, there is great appeal in spending time with my mom putting a pretty dress together. she is very weary, but i am not... that may be because i have very little experience or knowledge about sewing anything and she does, so she has a better idea of what making a wedding dress would entail... but i'm feeling optimistic about it.

to persuade her, i am looking at patterns and finding fabric samples that will give her a better idea of my ideas. i went to joann fabrics today and got a few different shades of silk and a few different lace patterns.  it was really fun to hold two-inch strips of fabric up to my face and imagine what an entire dress of those fabrics would look like.  i have my favorites, but i'm looking forward to showing my mom and talking with her about everything.

i found a how-to website that teaches how to make a dressmaker's form out of duck tape.  i figured that that would be a useful tool to have on the occasions when my mom and i are not able to be in the same place to work on the dress.  plus, if i ever decide to take up sewing as a hobby then i would be able to make clothes for myself with out the awkward process of pinning fabric on myself.

it is so tempting to show kevin the fabric strips, but i'm going to try and resist. he hates surprises, but i think if i can wait to surprise him with this then he will be very pleased.  we'll see if i'm strong enough to keep it hidden.  in order to cope with not showing my best friend, i am basically showing every one else... so if you have a craving for looking at fabric samples, let me know- i can help you out.

happy birthday mr. nichols.

i caved and bought the real simple wedding magazine yesterday.  it was just so lovely to flip through and i couldn't resist the urge to mark pages of ideas that i liked.  bah.  it is so fun getting married.

today is kevin's birthday.  after promising a delicious breakfast... and then failing to actually do it, i owe him one hell of an evening.  i hacked his facebook account, and posted that it was his birthday (that silly boy didn't have it up there), so now people can know, and make him feel facebook-loved.

i found (a.k.a. some one else found, and i'm taking the credit for it) this really cool personality quiz today.  i haven't had the time to do much reading about it so i have no idea about the science or method behind it. but based on the order in which you choose a series of colors, it describes for you what kind of stress you have, the kind of environment you crave, and what kind of challenges you face.  it was really interesting and mildly accurate for me.  you should check it out.

taking a bow at precinct twenty eight.

i went him this afternoon to vote. when i walked in, this little old man volunteer asked me if it was my first time voting.  i was 17 during the last election so i replied with a sheepish, yet proud, "yep."  all of the sudden he announced this news... to every one in the room.  they all were clapping and cheering... it was really embarrassing.  after i turned in my ballot, the little old man walked up to me and we chatted about the day.  he said that this was the most important election of my life.  i told him that i agreed. it was nice to share that with a stranger.

barack got the very first vote of my life.  i'm happy to offer it.

love and marriage.

want to know why i haven't posted anything new lately? wellll... basically i've been bursting at the seems, and needed to stay away before i declared things that i needn't declare yet.  now that the family members all know, i can finally post something...

kevin has asked me to marry him a few weeks ago, and i said yes.  

lala.  i'm so excited.  we are thinking of getting married in the spring or summer of 2010 after we graduate.  we are really happy to begin planing our wedding and our life together.  

i have started a website for every one to keep an eye on our wedding plans.  there are other things on the website too, like a recipe index, and a blog about my new found ambition of getting in shape. the link to it all is on the side of this blog, but you can also just click right here. so far i only have a few of my random ideas for the ceremony, and pictures of the wedding party, but you can go take a look anyway.

the summer of 2010 could not come soon enough.

this one is for kevin.

kevin bought a children's book called the little prince a few weeks ago and read it to me yesterday.  it was such a good story.  there was this awesome chapter where a fox tries to get the little prince to tame him. he explained if they could learn to tame each other then the boy would not just be like one thousand other boys to the fox... he would be special. and the fox would not just be like one thousand other foxes to the boy... he would be special. the prince's reply to this explanation was, "i am beginning to understand. there is a flower... i think she has tamed me."

all throughout the book, the prince talks about his rose from back home.  he loved his rose because he thought she was unique and special... no other flower like her.  when he finds a whole garden of roses he gets really sad because he sees that his rose is just like all of those roses. after he tames the fox he goes up to the bed of roses he found and says,

 "...you are beautiful, but empty.  one could not die for you. to be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you- the rose belongs to me. but in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that i have watered; because it is she that i have put under the glass globe; because it is she that i have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that i have killed the caterpillars (except for two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that i have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes she said nothing.  because she is my rose."

he knows so  much about love. and i want this to be read at my wedding.

notes about the morning (so far)

it smells like my elementary school cafeteria in the computer lab where i work.
the girl i'm working with must be eating salisbury steak for lunch.
her tupperware is opaque, so i'm only guessing.

a guy just came into the lab to take a test.
he seemed nice, so i assigned him to a computer that was right in between two pretty girls.
i'm not sure how one would flirt with a stranger without speaking, while taking a test
but i gave him a shot anyway.
maybe they will invite me to their wedding.

kevin is trying to get me to be into the nba.
i am giving it a fair shot.
i did some reading about the portland trailblazers the other day.
maybe they will be me team.

it is too warm out today to be wearing a sweater but i'm doing it anyway.
i have worn this sweater once already this week.

don't tell any one.

i am already planning to do a load of laundry tomorrow.
just because that i want to wear it again.

the nice guy that came into to take a test just left.
and i don't think any sparks flew.
i might be a terrible matchmaker.

actual air.

when kevin and i first started dating, he used to read me poetry written by david berman.  his book is called actual air. kevin lent his copy out, and i really missed it for a long time.  last weekend he went to a silver jews show (that is david berman's band), and bought a new copy of the book... and got it signed.  it is technically kevin's book... but i'm hold it hostage.  i'm happy to have it again.  here is one of the poems that kevin used to woo me a year and a half ago.

the moon.

a web of sewer pipe, and wire connects each house to the others.

in 206 a dog sleeps by the stove where a small gas leak causes him 

to have visions; visions that are rooted in nothing but gas.

next door, a man who has decided to buy a car part by part

excitedly unpacks a wheel and an ashtray.

he arranges them every which way. it's really beginning to take 

shape.

out the garage window he sees a group of ugly children

enter the forest.  their mouths look like coin slots.

a neighbor plays keyboard in a local cover band.

preparing for an engagement at the high school prom,

they pack their equipment in silence.

last night the played the police academy ball and all

the officers slow-danced with target range silhouettes.

this year the theme for prom is the tetragrammaton.

a yellow corsair sails through the disco parking lot

and swaying palms presage the lot of young libertines.

inside the car a young lady wears a corsage of bullet-size rodents.

her date, the handsome cornerback, stretched his talons over the 

molded steering wheel.

they park and walk into the lush starlit gardens behind the disco

just as the band is striking up.

their keen eyes and ears twitch. the other couples

look beautiful tonight. they stroll around listening

to the brilliant conversation. the passionate speeches.

clouds drift across the silverware. there is a red larkspur,

blue gum, and ivy.  a boy kneels before his date.

and the moon, i forgot to mention the moon.

guess what i cooked this time.

ellen came over on thursday to help me use more of my pumpkin stash.  we made really good pumpkin muffins and shared them around a camp fire for house church.  i found the recipe for them on a blog called smitten kitchen, and i have fallen in love with it.  the food isn't all vegetarian friendly, but i have begun to recognize how to adapt recipes to make the veg-safe.   there is a link to the blog on the left hand side of my own blog... but here is a direct link to the pumpkin muffin recipe.

i still have about two cups of pumpkin in my freezer and a small pumpkin sitting out on my porch... however, after all of the pumpkin food, and the two pumpkin beers (dogfish head punkin ale, and post road pumpkin ale) that i had at the heorot on friday night, i think i am getting really tired of pumpkin.  

in other news, kevin and i finally got the courage to start crate training milo.  last weekend, i went to visit my family, and had to leave milo in his crate for a few hours while we all went out.  it actually wasn't a disaster, so all week, we have been leaving him in his crate while we are away.  we have a bark collar for him, and it seems to keep him pretty calm... so right now, we are putting that on him when we put him in the crate... just so he can learn that when it is crate time, it time to be quiet and calm.  eventually we will phase out the bark collar.  he is so well behaved when he is in there... at first we basically had to stuff him in there, but now he walked right in with very little coaxing. i always hated the idea of leaving him in a cage, but now i see why crating is such a popular thing amongst dog owners.  it is so adorable to come home and find him fast asleep in there using cheetah (a stuffed animal backpack turned milo's favorite thing) as a pillow.  

also, kevin convinced me to let him buy a halloween costume for milo... ugh... i never thought we would be one of those pet owners that puts clothing on our dog... but we are!  kevin found a bumble bee costume, and the minute we put him on it, milo was suddenly more adorable.  my roommate katie doesn't really like milo very often, but she said, "i like him more when he's wearing it."  we had a friend over the other day, and milo kept growling at him.  it was so great because he was wearing the costume, and kevin saying, "what does a bumble bee say?"  and milo would respond with a very passionate, "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh"  it sounded like a puppy version of a bee sound.  

mooore pumpkin

pumpkin soup

2 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil

1 large onion

3 or 4 large cloves of garlic

2 cups of veggie broth

2 cups of pumpkin cooked and mashed

1 (14 oz.) can of coconut milk

salt, turmeric, cumin, curry powder, and season salt... and maybe a little bit of cayenne if you want.

:in a large pot, through in garlic, onion and e.v.o.o. and a little bit of salt and pepper. heat until onions are soft, and starting to turn brown.

:add pumpkin, coconut milk, and veggie broth into the pot and stir in the spices... you can add what ever kind of spice you want really... just keep tasting it until it the spices satisfy you.

:serve when hot

this was so easy.  it took maybe 15 minutes to make.  it would have been great to have an immersion blender for this soup to make the pumpkin really smooth... but oh well.  my guests didn't seem to mind the weird stringy pumpkin stuff in their spoons... i chose to use a lot of indian spices, so with the combo of those and the coconut milk, it tastes very much like a curry.  kevin suggested adding some tofu and some veggies to complete the illusion. i doubled the recipe when i made it because i wanted leftovers.   i got the coconut milk at wild oats grocery store a long time ago... i have no idea if coconut milk is something easy to find or not... but it is certainly worth the search. 

i paired the soup with some roasted red potatoes that i just tossed with a few spices, e.v.o.o., butter and lemon juice before putting them in the oven.  bake at 375 degrees for about an hour (covered only for the first twenty minutes.)  it was a really good fall meal.  jordan and jordan brought over a chocolate chip pie for desert.  it was a perfect meal.

pumpkin recipes galore.

i went to the pumpkin patch with my family last weekend and got a big pumpkin... i thought about carving a face into and calling it a day... but after i excavated the seeds, i started feeling really motivated.... so i cut it all up, froze half of it, and cooked the other half of it.  i was left with about 5 cups of pumpkin mush.. what to do what to do.  we yesterday i did this.

pumpkin gnocchi: 

gnocchi

1 1/2 cups of pumpkin cooked and mashed

lots of flour

1 taspoon of nutmeg

1 teaspoon of cinnimon

1 teaspoon of salt

sauce: 

lots of extra virgin olive oil

a tablespoon or two of tomato sauce

2 hot chile peppers chopped

salt to taste

:combine the pumpkin, flour, and spice.  start with one cup of flour. the recipe i found called of one cup... but i think i ended up using three... it should have a smooth but sticky consistency that can be rolled into a ball

: separate the dough into five or six pieces, and roll each section into a long snake.  cut the snaky dough into small bite size pieces.

: bring a large pot of water to a boil, and drop the pieces into the water. you'll know they are finished when they float to the top.

:for the sauce, just combine all of the ingredients into a large pan, and heat up.

:after the gnocchi are removed from the water, put them into the pan with the sauce. coat the with the sauce and let the cook in the pan for just a few minutes.  

this was really good.  they have kind of a dumpling sort of feel to them.  if you are the kind of person that insists on exact measurements... then i can't really help you... but they turn out fine with out exact measurements. they were really filling, and i think a perfect fall meal.  they re-heat in the microwave very well, too! 

and then today i'm did this.

pumpkin empanadas:

dough:

4 cups of flour

1 cup of sugar

1 teaspoon of baking powder

1 1/3 cup of veggie shortening

1 cup of milk

filling:

2 cups of pumpkin, cooked and mashed

1/2 cup of brown sugar

1 teaspoon of  cinnamon

1 teaspoon of nutmeg

1 teaspoon of salt

:combine flour, sugar and baking powder.

:cut in veggie shortening until the dough looks like corn meal.

:pour milk over the dough, and mix in  until everything is coated.

use your hands to roll the dough into a ball, then wrap it in plastic wrap and refrigerate for a little while.

:for the filling all you have to do is mix all of the ingredients together. pretty simple.

:roll the dough out until it is about 1/8 of an inch thick. 

:the recipe i found said to cut the dough into 4 inch circles... i may or may not do that... if i do, i'll probably just use the lid from my sugar canister.  i may decide to use a smaller cookie cutter to make mini-empanadas... we'll see.

:after to cut the dough into circles, place the filling on each. don't over fill.  fold the circles in half over the filling and press down along the edges  to seal.  you can paint the edges with a little egg white to ensure sealage.

:bake at 350 degrees for about 8-10 minutes, or until light golden brown.

i think the best part was the crust. it was just really flakey and light.   i have no idea how to develop a pie crust, but i think that there is a chance this could be a perfect pie crust. i didn't add the teaspoon of salt to the filling, but looking back, i think that it would have made the flavors a bit more noticeable.  also, after they were done baking, i brushed some water on them and sprinkled sugar and cinnamon over the top. kevin and i have already started to dream up other possible fillings for these.   if you aren't much for baking, don't be scared of these... i'm not either... 

and then i found five dollars

you know in movies when the main character finds a bunch of money on the street, and there is always a huge dilemma about what he should do with it? ok maybe i'm thinking of hey arnold... not a movie... but still, you know what i'm talking about.  should he turn it into the police and try to find it's owner? or should he keep it for himself? or should he donate it to charity?

well today i faced that same dilemma, and discovered something about myself.  i would choose to keep it.  this fortune must have been the consequence of karma because i had a choice to either walk home from class, or get a ride- i chose walk because i wanted to be good to the environment.  and in return i got this load of cash.  it was awesome. 

the possibilities for a five dollar bill are endless.

i like to ride my new bicycle.

i have a new bike. it was fifteen dollars. it is copper.  and it has hand breaks... which will take some getting used to.  but i like it very much. i think a bell and a few baskets for the back tire would suit it quite nicely.

sad things

my bike was stolen. kevin's bike got stolen too. i hadn't even had a chance to go outside this morning before kevin called asking if they were still in the front yard. yes, it was partially our fault for not locking them up. it was also partially their fault for being drunk and taking our bikes. kevin's bike was a pretty nice bike. it will be hard for him to find the money to replace it. my bike was not that nice, but it had a custom paint job involving various sea creatures and an h.g. wells quote, so i was pretty attached to it.

you know, kevin and i have talked a lot about how we view people. if kevin has taught me anything in the time that i have known him, it is that people are really capable of doing great things and they deserve our optimism. it is pretty important to both of us to try and see the best in people. we like to believe that, in general, we can trust in people. it was very dumb of us to not think to lock up our bikes, i am aware of this. homecoming weekend tends to produce lots of big parties with drunk people who like to go on joy rides with unlocked bikes. but when things like this happen it makes me really sad. it is just a really awful example of how sometimes people make choices to hurt others. perhaps this won't be a big deal a few years down the road... i mean... a bicycle is just a material possession... but i hate the idea of not being able to trust people with such trivial things like material possessions.

my mom.

i'm in this conflict resolution class right now.  i have been learning a lot about myself and the conflicts that i have with the people i spend time with. i was trying out a certain activity from the textbook, and i examined my relationship with my mom.  here are the things that i discovered.

a lot of people get really defensive when they are in arguments.  they do what they can to protect themselves, even if it means hurting the other person. it isn't like they do it on purpose, but it is something that is really easy for most people to fall into.  i am certainly not exempt from this.

my mom, however, is so good about this.  i never really realized it before, but almost every argument that i have with her, while frustrating,  is very rarely centered around her.  she doesn't try to compete with me to win an argument, she doesn't make me feel like she can overpower me, and in the moments when she does slip a little, she is quick to go back and correct herself. she is so concerned with protect our relationship as mother and daughter, that she makes herself vulnerable to a lot of hurtful things.  i know this because i know that i have definitely hurt her on more than one occasion.  had i realized this quality in her sooner, i would have been able to appreciate all of the things my mom does to make me feel really good.

never once has she made me feel like i wasn't worth something to her.  even when she gets mad at me, she protects me from feeling bad about myself.  she cares deeply for who i am, and  it feels really nice. 

i cannot believe that i have been living with this person for 21 years, and have failed to recognize her greatness.  as a person who strives to become better at making people feel loved, i am very lucky to have such a great example as a mother.  

call the fire department

i've been letting moses go outside for good portions of the day for awhile now.  i found her at camp, and i felt bad that i had turned her into an indoor cat... so i try and let her outside a lot more than i used to.  i have always wondered what she does all day... several of my neighbors have told me that they really like her... so i know she's made it to a lot of houses... but still... if i could attach a video camera to her some how to see what she gets into, it would be great...

well, yesterday i found out one thing that she does. i was sitting in my living room play on my computer, when i heard this horrible meow come from the outside. it sounded too horrifying to be moses, but i ran outside to see what i could find.  i didn't see any cat... anywhere. i knew that she had to be close by, but i couldn't find her... then she made the sound again... and i looked up and i found her. in my neighbor's tree.  not just her though... a few branches above her, there was another cat.  i think she decided to chase him up there... but was unable to find a way down.  

the other cat wanted to get down really badly, so he just jumped to the ground from his perch.  he was fine, but moses was certainly not as brave as was, so she just stayed where she was.  i tried coaxing her to lower branches with her dry food. then i tried coaxing her to lower branched with a can of beef and gravy. it was no good. katie said at one point, "oh no.. she's clumsy!" i was so scared for her. luckily kevin spotted a tall ladder in the neighbor's shed, so he grabbed it and climbed us the tree.  she was able to climb a little bit lower, and she crawled right to him.  

the neighbors came home right as kevin was climbing down. we told them what happened, and thanked them for the ladder. all they did was laugh and say, "we saw her up on your roof once...  ohhh moses."

that cat...  

drip. drip. drip. drip. drip.

when i was little, my grandpa and grandma on my mom's side owned a little trailer that was on a pond.  we called it a lake... but it was a pond.  the trailer had a gigantic porch and a fire pit up the hill and a dining room table that i turned into a fort and slept under almost every time i was there. 

there was this feeling that the mornings gave me when i was there. the smell of sap filled my entire nose, and it was always cold in the morning. the good kind of cold. then on morning after it had rained, i liked listening to the drip from the gutter against the plastic siding of the trailer.  we had an early bird, and i liked to look at the clock first thing when he woke me up.  he's awake at 4:32 this morning. 3:56. 4:04. 2:44.  i didn't mind like every one else that he was awake.

i never felt rushed when i was there.  besides the morning wake up call from the early bird, i never looked at the clock.  lunch came when we were hungry, grandpa and uncle doug would fish forever, mom would go on thousands of walks, grandma would get stuck in the fold out couch, cara and i would find a toad under the deck, grandpa would cook his fish.. they were always blue gill, and we would sit around the fire pit to watch that evening's wood burn down. 

it was just... easy to be there.   

and this morning reminds me of it.  i'm enjoying it.

about me:

i am the sort of person you can get to know over a facebook profile.  

i used to call it, "uncomplicated," but now 

i call it, "transparent."  

i have trouble keeping friends, and 

i don't know why. it is easy to stop caring about some one after awhile. it is not that 

i'm not loyal.  

i'm actually one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. it is just that 

i can't handle distance. once you start stepping back from me, 

i am unable to bring you back. it is like my heart has really short arms. 

i consider this a major personality flaw. you should know about it if you are going to be friends with me. it is one of those things that 

i try to hide from people... 

i guess putting it up on my blog makes it not so hidden.  

i am way too emotional for my own good.  

i allow little things to bother me, and 

i am truely working on this, but you should not invest yourself in me if you would like me to not be this way. call me in thirty years.  

i might have it sorted out by then.

i pretend all of the time. 

i pretend to listen, but 

i am not a good listener.  

i pretend that 

i have my head on straight, but 

i don't.  

i pretend that 

i like to read a lot, but the truth is,  

i would rather sit on my butt all day long watching grey's anatomy. 

i pretend to talk about God, but lately 

i have only been able to talk about him in a theoretical sense. no one has really noticed this change though...  

i don't feel him anymore.  

i am beginning to feel like 

i just have been making him up. maybe 

i have only ever talked about him in a theoretical sense. maybe 

i've always been faking it. the mind is very powerful.  

i'm sure that 

i would be able to convince myself of almost anything if 

i really wanted it to be true.

i am angry all the time.  

i am most angry at my family. not because they deserve it. they are good people.  

i just don't feel apart of them... or anyone...  

i know that it is me that is driving every one away, but 

i didn't think it would be this easy to drive my family away.  

i know in my head that they are always there for me.  

i'm glad they are there... but 

i don't feel like any one is... here. and even though it is my own fault.... my own illusion that 

i have convinced myself to believe... 

i still feel angry toward them.

i loved kevin. despite every one's warnings against him, 

i still saw him as some one who was worth being invested in. he was.  

i was not.

i am a coward.  

i am sorry to every one that 

i have hurt by writing this in a blog instead of saying it to your face.  

i know that you are going to forgive me for hurting you, and worry about me. please understand that 

i am not doing this to be dramatic... maybe 

i am.... but 

i am mostly doing this because 

i cannot bring myself to be honest about these things.  

i won't become a better person until 

i can be honest with the people that 

i love. 

i think this has to be the first step... it is terrible that 

i am only capable of doing in a blog... but it is what 

i have to offer you at this point.

dog shoes

there is a squirrel living in the tree in my backyard that wants milo to die. every time my dog leaves the safety of my house to... umm... do his thing... every step he takes is closely followed by a falling acorn from above. milo has a barking problem.. especially when it comes to squirrels... but seriously... this little rodent hates my dog.

last night, i brought milo in from the backyard, and he was walking really strangely.. his right front paw was bothering him, but he wasn't limping on it like it hurt... he was just... very interesting in his own paw. he stretched it out and laid it flat on the ground. then he attempted to sniff it... but his leg is too long, so it turned into a funny little dance full of bowing and rolling.

mama jenna to the rescue. i picked him up to look at his paw, but couldn't figure what his problem was... then i looked at the bottom of his foot. wrapped perfectly around one of the pads on his paw was a broken acorn. it took a lot of prying to get to to come off. it was seriously the perfect fit. a shoe salesman would have been proud.

stupid squirrel.

back home again in nq 208

you would think that the sociology department thought that there was only one class room on ball state's campus.  i am certain that 90% of my sociology classes over the past few years have all been in north quadrangle, room 208.  i don't even look to see where my classes are anymore... i just assume that if the class title starts with "soc" then it is in that room.  

what i love even more about this room is that, every one always sits in the same place. i have gotten to the point that i am recognizing at least half of the people in my classes. sarah fields always sits in the far corner or the front row, jason leist is usually late, but finds a way to the very middle of the class room. kenny sits in the back corner, adam minich sits a few rows in from the door near the back, as do i, the socially awkward kid named matthew sits in the front row near the door...  i could continue... but it is becoming monotonous.

i think the new freshman are amazing. a girl stopped me in the hallway and asked, "what building am i in?"  i wanted to hug her.  i am certain that i looked the same way when i was a freshman.  that look of pure and utter fear, feeling completely overwhelmed by surrounding, not to mention the amount of people that are passing by.... nope. never mind.  i still appear that way...

kevin is back in school.  he took a year off, and i'm sure that a lot of people didn't believe him when he said things like, "i'm going back in the fall."  but, rest assured, he is back in school as we speak.  i am very proud of him.

my landlord fixed my house.  i have no idea what is going to happen to the wall, but it has not gotten worse... in fact... i think that the water stain is disappearing.  tomorrow a guy is coming to fix the air conditioner and my landlord is going to clean the basement floor, and then we will be golden.  

i am forty-five minutes away from starting my first job. i wasn't supposed to start until tomorrow, but some one needed a shift covered, and i picked it up.  i'll be at the computer lab until one in the morning, but i've got a book and an entire room full of computers to keep me occupied.  

katie has senioritis.  i kind of forgot that that happens to you in college, too.  i am glad that i am still enjoying college, though... i do believe that i was ready to graduate from high school when i was a sophomore, so i think i am doing much better.  in class today, all of my professors asked those stupid questions like, "what do you plan on doing with your major?" my future career plans are kind of dull, so it isn't even fun to talk about with people. i mean... don't get me wrong. i'm going to love my job, but no one else really cares about human resources, so its much more interesting to just be in college.

i aspire to go star gazing at some point this week.  i'm keeping my eyes peeled for a clear night.  if any one reading this wants to go, talk to me.  i need star gazing buddies.

school's in... nearly.

i have internet at my house now. it is such a luxury to sit on my couch and blog. paying for it will be interesting, but i'll manage. 

i got a job at the computer labs on campus. all of my shifts are in one lab, and its the testing lab. the instructors and professors who are too lazy to grade their own exams post them up on a special website, and to take these tests, students have to come to my lab and sign in, and take it while i'm looking over their shoulder.  my job will consist of signing people in and out, walking around the room every once in awhile to spot the cheaters, cleaning the computers once a week, and doing my homework in the meantime.  i've been told that it is the easiest, most laid-back job on campus... which is why i pursued it. i'm pretty excited about it.

i kind of had forgotten what muncie was like with students in it. the freshman started moving in this past wednesday, and the entire campus was buzzing. i'll be glad to get back into classes, and see familiar faces and all, but i really likes the quiet nights i spent on campus this summer.  

the freshman are all adorable and all skinny... my roommate attributes that to the freshman fifteen weight gain that has yet to come.  i like listening to their conversations with their parents.  "where do i go to get a parking pass?" "oh i'm sure you can go to your dorm and ask for one. they seem to have plenty of parking in front of your building." it's cute, really. i remember feeling so out of place when i first arrived two years ago.  my first night in my dorm room was so intimidating. my roommate hadn't arrived yet, so i just sat in my room and watch forrest gump. since then, the movie has become a sort-of safety blanket for me. anyway... poor freshmen... i just want to hold their hands and tell them that they'll get through it.  

i've really enjoyed this last week, though.  i went to the heorot and mo's with kevin and his roommate joe a few times already.  those boys are fun.  joe and i were sitting in corners making fun of the people dancing with glow sticks, and kevin hardly likes the taste of any alcohol, so drinking with him is fun, purely because of the faces he makes when he does drink. plus i have yet to buy a drink for myself. i'm glad kevin makes good tips at work... 

maybe i could get away with setting out a tip jar in the computer lab...

oh just a few more minutes, sweetie.

i was never ever one of those kids who disliked going to the dentist.  my dentist is really nice, and there was always a disney movie playing, and every one had really fun scrubs with things like strawberry shortcake or my little ponies on them.  plus i always got a prize and a sticker every time for being such a good little patient.

i still go to the same dentist... i am twenty one years old and still go to the same dentist... except now, instead of little mermaid playing, its finding nemo followed by an interview by the jonas brothers... and instead of a sticker and a prize, i get hit on by sixteen year old boys who are there to get their braces colors changed... 

besides all of the awful social awkwardness, i also had to get two cavities filled.  laying back for an hour and a half with my mouth wide open feeling the drill despite two rounds of novocain isn't exactly what i call a thrill.  in the end, they told me that my tooth is too sensitive to work on, and i have to go back in a month. i growled at them all at an inaudible volume... 

anyway... i think i should find a new dentist.. one that doesn't mind giving out stickers to twenty-one year olds.

good and bad thangs

i finished summer school two weeks ago... real school doesn't start until august twenty-fifth.  awesome, right? i am in the process of finding a job on campus, but no one is listing jobs yet... i have nothing to do.  i'm going through netflix movies like there is no tomorrow.  and i never thought i would ever get tired of arrested development... but i may at this rate.  poor milo has been spoiled because i'm with him all day long. i don't know how is is going to handle being left alone again for parts of the day when i start school.  i'm reading three books right now, which sounds like a lot but actually, i'm just unable to focus on any of them so its going to take me a long time to finish them.

so you know how when we are all bogged down with homework, and we keep on saying that we would all love to just write a top forty song, and live on the royalties for the rest of our lives... well... let me tell you something... you may just be bored out of your mind... put that on the con list of that particular career move.

homes

i just looked at the good ole' camp lakeview website, and they have put up the new staff picture... the new staff picture that i'm not in. sad. 

i was thinking about my days as a junior counselor yesterday.  if i learned anything from being a junior counselor it was how to mop correctly.  after rainy days, john dobrinski would have us mop all of the porches around the dining hall.  i hated being on porch duty after a good rain. 

anyway, i was reminded of all of that when i made the decision to clean my basement. let me describe the place to you.  the old air conditioning pipes are still there and they are insulated by about a foot of foam all the way around... so in order to walk around the basement, you have to stoop under these padded pipes.  i have 22 bags of shredded paper that were collected for a prank that never happened. they were basically soak through from the mysterious water that comes out of no where.  the pipe that carries all of the water from the sinks in the house is broken, so the water basically spills on the floor. also, the washer isn't hooked up to any kind of drainage pipe, so all of that water from that spills on the ground, too.  there is a nice hole in the floor that all the water eventually drains into. the dryer had a piece missing for awhile, so all of the lint that wasn't collected in the trap was spewed out on to the wall behind it. my dog likes to sneak down there and poop in the corners where i don't notice until the piles become the same moldy blue color as the floor.... speaking of the floor...  i found mushrooms growing on it.

needless to say, my cleaning aspirations were long over due.  i'm going to call my landlord and find out about a dehumidifier, but in the mean time, i have lots of mopping and washing to do.  i may wear my old junior counselors t-shirts and pretend like i'm scared that karen is going to catch me doing something wrong, just to bring back some memories.  

new friend

i made a new friend yesterday.  a stray springer spaniel came bounding into my yard yesterday. he was really sweet.  after a little bit of debating, kevin and i took him to the animal shelter, only to find his owner looking for him a few hours later.  apparently, they live a block or so away, and he gets out a lot.  his name it ali, and i told him that he could run to my yard any day.  i want a dog like this one of these days.

i almost killed a squirrel on my bicycle this morning.  it ran out in front of me, and i swerved and crashed to avoid it, and my bike landed on top of him. i think he was okay because he looked at me like he was very offended than scrambled up the nearest tree. and found a nut to chew.  

i have one more final left.  i'll be glad to have a little bit of a break finally.  i have no idea how i'm going to fill the up coming month... i'm going to michigan for a week, and i have a wedding to attend at the beginning of august... but other than that, i guess i'll have a lot of time to job hunt.  ugh.

for the past two nights i have been staying up late playing several rounds of the life (the board game).  tonight, i will probably do the same, then at midnight i'm going out with a few people to drink a beer at the herot.  one beer... that is it.  then after that i'm going to go home, go to sleep, then wake up extra early so i can go to camp.  i have a few pets and a boy to drop off at various places before i get to camp... but after that  it'll be time to parrrtay. i'm going to oliver winery with laura and a few other camp friends.  after that we are going to drink illegally on the dock.  i feel only slightly foolish that i'm going to camp lakeview for my twenty-first birthday... but carl frost made me feel better when he said, " yeah, because taking twenty-one shots is sooo much cooler." 

then it will be off to holland michigan.  i have no idea what is going to happen there.  but it will be fun, regardless.  

capital idea.

my instructor pushed back the due date for that paper until friday. so i read all but the last twenty pages of the catcher and the rye.  it was good. holden caulfield told someone they were a gentleman and a scholar. this made me compare him to michael scott from the office for the rest of the book.  they are kind of similar sometimes... i'm just saying...

so i feel like i need to explain the lack of capital letters with in my blogs.  please believe that i am sort-of  meticulous about proper grammar when typing, and it drives me crazy when people don't.  but, you know... i think lower case letters look better... it really is a simple as that i guess.  you will have to forgive me.

i am slowing running out of food at my house.  i am doing this on purpose (don't worry mom) because i'm going to be gone for a week and don't want to let things go bad.  my diet today consists of the last of my eggs, black beans, garbanzo beans, and rice.  tomorrow i may whip out the lentils. i ran out of spaghetti noodles a few days ago. i had a dream last night that i found some tucked away in the corner of my pantry.  i forgot that it was a dream when i woke up and was severely disappointed when i remembered the truth.  i really love spaghetti... i was just think about all of the things i wanted to eat when i go up to michigan... the sad thing is, i kept looking for restaurants online that seemed like they would serve spaghetti.  

make me stop this

this is the first time in ten weeks of summer classes that i have procrastinated big time.  i feel pretty good about my ability to focus that past couple of weeks... but this weekend was wildly unproductive.  tomorrow i have an eight page paper due.  i haven't started on it.  i haven't even looked at the syllabus for instructions on what to do for it. i told myself that i wouldn't start another book until i got this paper done, thinking that would minimize my distractions.  alas... i still have blogs to write, arrested development to watch, a garden to water, and food in my refrigerator that need to be eaten before friday. 

the mail is here.  

hawt

i have a standing rule in my house not turn on the air conditioning until the thermostat read at 85 degrees.  right now it says it is 83 degrees.  it is freaking hot in my house.

i went to the farmers market for the first time all summer.  prior to today, i was either not in town , or it was raining, so this was the first chance i had. i bought a watermelon.  a huge watermelon.  the ride home on my bicycle was interesting.  i'm glad i had a basket for it.  cutting it was an adventure, and forced me to exert a little more energy that this current heat calls for.  but the results have been rewarding. 

i finished reading another book.  it was good. murakami is definitely one of my favorite authors. i have no idea what i'm going to read next.  i tried starting a book called fast eddie, king of the bees... but it was either really boring, or the heat really got to me because i ended up taking a two hour accidental nap.

i'm turning 21 in a few days... it feels too old i think.  a few months ago when i heard my sister say she was 23, it felt so far away... but i feel like, once i hit 21, it won't feel as far away... that is a little unnerving...  i guess 21 is really the last birthday that you really feel excited about.  the rest of the rest of the milestone birthdays from here on out are only good for other people to make you feel bad about getting old. 

i think the heat is making me more cynical than usual... sorry.

three point one four...

i just finished reading life of pi by yann martel. it is an incredible book. my sister has read the book as well, and i echo her words, "it was one of those books that i didn't want to end."

the story itself is fictional, but there is a certain quality to pi's seclusion that seems familiar to me. the things we experience within ourselves cannot be understood by any one else, making us out to be castaways in a sense.  

the plot is about a boy, a tiger, and the pacific ocean, but the book itself has very little to do with any of those things.  the boy's experience spoke of both a person's strength in survival, and at the same time the need for something beyond one's self to sustain.  whether that sustaining outsider was the tiger or a hoard of flying fish, Allah, Jehovah, or Lord Krishna- pi would not have survived his journey.   

lately the subject of God has been a difficult one for me.  i think every one, believer or not, goes through periods in their lives where doubt can be really overwhelming.  but reading this book has given me new strength. there has been something that has kept me alive, kept me going. i can remember specific (and rather recent) moments when God did not seem like a reality... and those moments also brought about a deep depression that i was unable to hide from.  in all reality, i should not have survived those moments... but i did.  and i'm beginning to see where God was in those moments.  he knew i didn't want him... that i couldn't face him. so he stood behind me. 

it is good to know that i do not have to sustain myself.  it is good to know that God is as unavoidable as a 450 pound tiger in a life boat. it is good to know that while God is capable of overpowering me, that he sees good in me and chooses to let me live. it is good to know that he doesn't mind being unseen or doubted or weak.  it is good to know that he is willing to stick around because he knows of my need for his companionship.

i am not saying that life of pi has brought me out of this season of doubt... maybe it has... but i only just finished the book, so i don't know...  what i'm saying is that even when i feel doubt in my heart, i don't need to worry.  yes, the reality of a God isn't exactly likely... the bible calls it faith for a reason. no one has ever been able to prove God to anyone but themselves.  but i think that what this book has taught me is that God will appear in unlikely places, and doubt has no power over some one once he does.

anyway... you should read it for yourself.  in all in fictionality, it is utterly believable.