i like to ride my new bicycle.

i have a new bike. it was fifteen dollars. it is copper.  and it has hand breaks... which will take some getting used to.  but i like it very much. i think a bell and a few baskets for the back tire would suit it quite nicely.

sad things

my bike was stolen. kevin's bike got stolen too. i hadn't even had a chance to go outside this morning before kevin called asking if they were still in the front yard. yes, it was partially our fault for not locking them up. it was also partially their fault for being drunk and taking our bikes. kevin's bike was a pretty nice bike. it will be hard for him to find the money to replace it. my bike was not that nice, but it had a custom paint job involving various sea creatures and an h.g. wells quote, so i was pretty attached to it.

you know, kevin and i have talked a lot about how we view people. if kevin has taught me anything in the time that i have known him, it is that people are really capable of doing great things and they deserve our optimism. it is pretty important to both of us to try and see the best in people. we like to believe that, in general, we can trust in people. it was very dumb of us to not think to lock up our bikes, i am aware of this. homecoming weekend tends to produce lots of big parties with drunk people who like to go on joy rides with unlocked bikes. but when things like this happen it makes me really sad. it is just a really awful example of how sometimes people make choices to hurt others. perhaps this won't be a big deal a few years down the road... i mean... a bicycle is just a material possession... but i hate the idea of not being able to trust people with such trivial things like material possessions.

my mom.

i'm in this conflict resolution class right now.  i have been learning a lot about myself and the conflicts that i have with the people i spend time with. i was trying out a certain activity from the textbook, and i examined my relationship with my mom.  here are the things that i discovered.

a lot of people get really defensive when they are in arguments.  they do what they can to protect themselves, even if it means hurting the other person. it isn't like they do it on purpose, but it is something that is really easy for most people to fall into.  i am certainly not exempt from this.

my mom, however, is so good about this.  i never really realized it before, but almost every argument that i have with her, while frustrating,  is very rarely centered around her.  she doesn't try to compete with me to win an argument, she doesn't make me feel like she can overpower me, and in the moments when she does slip a little, she is quick to go back and correct herself. she is so concerned with protect our relationship as mother and daughter, that she makes herself vulnerable to a lot of hurtful things.  i know this because i know that i have definitely hurt her on more than one occasion.  had i realized this quality in her sooner, i would have been able to appreciate all of the things my mom does to make me feel really good.

never once has she made me feel like i wasn't worth something to her.  even when she gets mad at me, she protects me from feeling bad about myself.  she cares deeply for who i am, and  it feels really nice. 

i cannot believe that i have been living with this person for 21 years, and have failed to recognize her greatness.  as a person who strives to become better at making people feel loved, i am very lucky to have such a great example as a mother.  

call the fire department

i've been letting moses go outside for good portions of the day for awhile now.  i found her at camp, and i felt bad that i had turned her into an indoor cat... so i try and let her outside a lot more than i used to.  i have always wondered what she does all day... several of my neighbors have told me that they really like her... so i know she's made it to a lot of houses... but still... if i could attach a video camera to her some how to see what she gets into, it would be great...

well, yesterday i found out one thing that she does. i was sitting in my living room play on my computer, when i heard this horrible meow come from the outside. it sounded too horrifying to be moses, but i ran outside to see what i could find.  i didn't see any cat... anywhere. i knew that she had to be close by, but i couldn't find her... then she made the sound again... and i looked up and i found her. in my neighbor's tree.  not just her though... a few branches above her, there was another cat.  i think she decided to chase him up there... but was unable to find a way down.  

the other cat wanted to get down really badly, so he just jumped to the ground from his perch.  he was fine, but moses was certainly not as brave as was, so she just stayed where she was.  i tried coaxing her to lower branches with her dry food. then i tried coaxing her to lower branched with a can of beef and gravy. it was no good. katie said at one point, "oh no.. she's clumsy!" i was so scared for her. luckily kevin spotted a tall ladder in the neighbor's shed, so he grabbed it and climbed us the tree.  she was able to climb a little bit lower, and she crawled right to him.  

the neighbors came home right as kevin was climbing down. we told them what happened, and thanked them for the ladder. all they did was laugh and say, "we saw her up on your roof once...  ohhh moses."

that cat...  

drip. drip. drip. drip. drip.

when i was little, my grandpa and grandma on my mom's side owned a little trailer that was on a pond.  we called it a lake... but it was a pond.  the trailer had a gigantic porch and a fire pit up the hill and a dining room table that i turned into a fort and slept under almost every time i was there. 

there was this feeling that the mornings gave me when i was there. the smell of sap filled my entire nose, and it was always cold in the morning. the good kind of cold. then on morning after it had rained, i liked listening to the drip from the gutter against the plastic siding of the trailer.  we had an early bird, and i liked to look at the clock first thing when he woke me up.  he's awake at 4:32 this morning. 3:56. 4:04. 2:44.  i didn't mind like every one else that he was awake.

i never felt rushed when i was there.  besides the morning wake up call from the early bird, i never looked at the clock.  lunch came when we were hungry, grandpa and uncle doug would fish forever, mom would go on thousands of walks, grandma would get stuck in the fold out couch, cara and i would find a toad under the deck, grandpa would cook his fish.. they were always blue gill, and we would sit around the fire pit to watch that evening's wood burn down. 

it was just... easy to be there.   

and this morning reminds me of it.  i'm enjoying it.

about me:

i am the sort of person you can get to know over a facebook profile.  

i used to call it, "uncomplicated," but now 

i call it, "transparent."  

i have trouble keeping friends, and 

i don't know why. it is easy to stop caring about some one after awhile. it is not that 

i'm not loyal.  

i'm actually one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. it is just that 

i can't handle distance. once you start stepping back from me, 

i am unable to bring you back. it is like my heart has really short arms. 

i consider this a major personality flaw. you should know about it if you are going to be friends with me. it is one of those things that 

i try to hide from people... 

i guess putting it up on my blog makes it not so hidden.  

i am way too emotional for my own good.  

i allow little things to bother me, and 

i am truely working on this, but you should not invest yourself in me if you would like me to not be this way. call me in thirty years.  

i might have it sorted out by then.

i pretend all of the time. 

i pretend to listen, but 

i am not a good listener.  

i pretend that 

i have my head on straight, but 

i don't.  

i pretend that 

i like to read a lot, but the truth is,  

i would rather sit on my butt all day long watching grey's anatomy. 

i pretend to talk about God, but lately 

i have only been able to talk about him in a theoretical sense. no one has really noticed this change though...  

i don't feel him anymore.  

i am beginning to feel like 

i just have been making him up. maybe 

i have only ever talked about him in a theoretical sense. maybe 

i've always been faking it. the mind is very powerful.  

i'm sure that 

i would be able to convince myself of almost anything if 

i really wanted it to be true.

i am angry all the time.  

i am most angry at my family. not because they deserve it. they are good people.  

i just don't feel apart of them... or anyone...  

i know that it is me that is driving every one away, but 

i didn't think it would be this easy to drive my family away.  

i know in my head that they are always there for me.  

i'm glad they are there... but 

i don't feel like any one is... here. and even though it is my own fault.... my own illusion that 

i have convinced myself to believe... 

i still feel angry toward them.

i loved kevin. despite every one's warnings against him, 

i still saw him as some one who was worth being invested in. he was.  

i was not.

i am a coward.  

i am sorry to every one that 

i have hurt by writing this in a blog instead of saying it to your face.  

i know that you are going to forgive me for hurting you, and worry about me. please understand that 

i am not doing this to be dramatic... maybe 

i am.... but 

i am mostly doing this because 

i cannot bring myself to be honest about these things.  

i won't become a better person until 

i can be honest with the people that 

i love. 

i think this has to be the first step... it is terrible that 

i am only capable of doing in a blog... but it is what 

i have to offer you at this point.

dog shoes

there is a squirrel living in the tree in my backyard that wants milo to die. every time my dog leaves the safety of my house to... umm... do his thing... every step he takes is closely followed by a falling acorn from above. milo has a barking problem.. especially when it comes to squirrels... but seriously... this little rodent hates my dog.

last night, i brought milo in from the backyard, and he was walking really strangely.. his right front paw was bothering him, but he wasn't limping on it like it hurt... he was just... very interesting in his own paw. he stretched it out and laid it flat on the ground. then he attempted to sniff it... but his leg is too long, so it turned into a funny little dance full of bowing and rolling.

mama jenna to the rescue. i picked him up to look at his paw, but couldn't figure what his problem was... then i looked at the bottom of his foot. wrapped perfectly around one of the pads on his paw was a broken acorn. it took a lot of prying to get to to come off. it was seriously the perfect fit. a shoe salesman would have been proud.

stupid squirrel.